Inner Conflict

What the fuck are we to do when we're stuck between a rock and a hard place? When we don't want to take back our old ways but at the same time we don't want to abandon them? I have been many things but a player or a womanizer is not one of them. It seems lately with my new cocky attitude a lot of girls are starting to like me. Part of me wants to say to them "Does my haircut matter that much to you?" but at the same time I want to take out and know every one of these girls because I feel like an asshole for making a choice. Love never went well for me and now that it's taking off I have to say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm sure most guys would ask if I was gay if they heard me say this but if they fell into my situation they would understand what I'm feeling.

It seems that every time I'm presented with a choice it will piss someone off if I choose just one. Whether it be with friends, life choices, or girls in this case it always comes down to me being an asshole for leaving someone bummed out or unimpressed with my decision. I know that I should just get the fuck over it and choose, regardless of what either party thinks but it's not that easy. When I must choose between friends it sucks because one friend will look at me like an asshole who didn't stay by his side which I guess is true if I choose between friends but I hate the "look" or glare I receive in that situation. The look by itself that tells me how badly I just fucked up. With my own family at Thanksgiving one year a few years back we were discussing my future plans for college. When I told my grandpa that I would like to go to Tokyo U for college he seemed angry or disgusted. This was for many reasons. It was because he sat in a shitty 3M office his entire life and didn't have opportunities like this. It was because he somewhat of a racist. It was because he likes tradition like most old people do in my opinion. His true reason though, whatever it was, didn't matter because it was going to be something ignorant or hateful.

Lastly, I don't know how to choose between girls because even though girls don't usually get terribly angry they become very sad, which in my opinion is worse than seeing them with a great temper. Every time I see a heartbroken girl I hope that the guy got what he deserved but now that I could become that guy I feel like a hypocrite. I respect women a lot. I do not look at them as pets, toys, slaves or meal cookers. I look at them the same way I look at men. I look at them as people because that's what they are. I don't really agree with many of the stereotypes that women are forced to live with. If I ever get married I won't force my wife to make dinner or stay home with the kids and remain unemployed. The fact that many men do actually do that makes me sick because of the fact most men are selfish pigs. To sum things up here, women are delicate and shouldn't be just dumped to the curb which is why I don't want to have to choose. That is all for now. Although Sean's computer is still fucked up I'm hoping that Gippy and the Buddah will go on as scheduled tonight so keep your eyes out for it tomorrow.

~Freddy Gipson